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перевод: A THOUSAND DISEASES I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight disease. I got down the book and read all I had come to read. Then without realizing what I was doing I turned the leaves and began to study diseases generally. I do not remember which was the first disease I read about but before I looked through the list of the symptoms I felt that I had it. I kept on reading, feeling rather nervous, and realized that I was suffering from every disease imaginable. The only thing I had not got so far was housemaid's knee. To say that I was wor

2015

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FINAL TEST

Text: A THOUSAND DISEASES

I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight disease. I got down the book and read all I had come to read. Then without realizing what I was doing I turned the leaves and began to study diseases generally. I do not remember which was the first disease I read about but before I looked through the list of the symptoms I felt that I had it. I kept on reading, feeling rather nervous, and realized that I was suffering from every disease imaginable. The only thing I had not got so far was housemaid's knee. To say that I was worried and upset and that I felt miserable would be to say nothing. I nearly fainted. In fact I felt more dead than alive. I tried to examine myself. I felt my pulse. I dis­covered that I had no pulse. I tried to feel my heart. I could not feel my heart. It had stopped beating. I tried to look at my tongue. I stuck it out as far as it would go. I shut one eye, and tried to examine it with the other. I could only see the tip but I no longer doubted that in addition to everything I had scarlet fever.

It became clear to me that I would never recover and would never get rid of the thousand diseases I had. I gave up all hope. Medicine could not help me. I had walked into the reading-room a happy healthy man, I walked out an invalid.

Though I doubted if anyone would be able to cure me of my diseases, I decided to consult my physician. I always turn to him for advice and help. He is a good fellow and an old friend of mine. He has been treating me for many years. I never make an appointment with him, he's always ready to see me.

He looks at my tongue, feels my pulse, talks about the weather, and all for nothing, when I imagine that I am ill. He never re­mains indifferent to what I say and always does his best to en­courage me when I start complaining of my diseases. I thought that he would be grateful if I went to him. "What a doctor wants," I said to myself, "is practice’. He shall have me. He will get more practice out of me than out of seventeen hundred or­dinary patients with only one or two common diseases each."

"Well, what's the matter with you? Got any complaints?" he asked.

I did not pretend to be calm. My whole life depended on what he would say.

"I will not take up your time, dear fellow, by telling you what is the matter with me," I began. "Life is short and you may die before I'm through. But I'll tell you right away what is not the matter with me. I haven't got housemaid's knee. Why I haven't got it I cannot tell you. But the fact remains that I haven't got it. Everything else I have got. My life is in danger."

I told him how I came to discover it all. I didn't pretend I wasn't frightened. He took my temperature, felt my pulse, and then hit me over the chest when I wasn't expecting it. Af­ter that he sat down and wrote out a prescription. He folded it and giving it to me said that I had better go home.

I did not open the prescription. I went to the nearest phar­macy to have it filled. The chemist read the prescription and handed it back. He apologized for being unable to help me. He said he didn't keep it and smiled. I was very much annoyed. I did not see the joke.

I said, "You are a chemist, aren't you?" He did not deny it. "I am a chemist," he said. "If I were a department store and family hotel combined, I might be able to help you. But the matter is I am only a chemist. That's why I can't oblige you."

I read the prescription. It said: "1 lb¹ beefsteak, with 1 pt² beer every six hours. 1 ten-mile walk every morning 1 bed at 11 sharp every night.

And avoid stuffing up your head with things you don't un­derstand."

I felt relieved. My life was out of danger. I didn't tear up the prescription or throw it away. I followed the directions with the happy result that my life was saved and is still going on. My health improved, but I never mention the incident to anyone.

(From Jerome K. Jerome. Three Men in a Boat, adapted)

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